Yule Be Sorry

last_christmaswham.jpgYou ever listened to these songs.  I’m something of a Christmas music fanatic.  It’s really no choice of my own, I believe its genetic.  My dad always started up the Christmas music somewhere around Labor Day, so for a healthy four months the velvet tones of Nat King Cole and Bing Crosby wafted through the house.  As a (theoretical) grown-up, I’ve amassed quite a collection of my own.  It includes all the classics, of course, but the last few years I’ve branched out into some less well known and perhaps a little eccentric Christmas tracks.  Afterall, you can only hear Elvis sing about his blue Christmas so many times.  But those aren’t what I want to talk about today.

No, today is a day for bad Christmas music.  One of the local radio stations always plays all Christmas music from Thanksgiving until Christmas (obviously).  Their selection though is a little crappy.  They mix in some of the classics, but mostly its 80’s easy listening trash.  A lot of big hair and synthesizers.  In the right hands the synth can be very good, just take a listen to Manheim Steamroller, but usually its not.

Last Christmas by Wham! – This song has absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever.  It’s whiny, it’s corny, but not in a good way, and it’s George Michael.  Whenever it comes on the radio, and it does with alarming regularity, I get this disturbing mental image of ol’ Georgy boy and his Wham! pal prancing about in a soft blur wearing those Choose Life t-shirts from the Wake Me Up video and Santa hats.  Its extremely unnerving.  And oh that synthesizer.  Its just bad.  Jimmy Eat World did a cover of it a couple years ago, and I actually kind of like their version, so I guess it does have one redeeming quality, that a superior band is able to salvage it.

Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney & Wings – Oh Sir Paul, what happened?  This song is grounds for the Queen to renounce his knighthood.  Again with the synth.  It must have been in his contract to write a Christmas song and he forgot about it until the day before he was supposed to record the album.  The lyrics don’t make any sense.  Here’s a sample:

The moon is right
The spirits up
We’re here tonight
And thats enough

What?  Or how about this from one half of the most famed songwriting team of all time:

The word is out
About the town
To lift a glass
Ahhh dont look down

Don’t look down?  Does that make sense to anyone?  I guess even the greats hit a bump in the road sometimes.  A big, gigantic, unlistenable, bump in the road.

Same Old Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg – This one takes the cake.  In public I will declare that I hate this song.  Adamently.  However, privately, it has grown on me…like a tumor.  It may be one of the worst songs ever written, and yet I must listened to it as much as possible, much to Jen’s chagrin (she doesn’t always share my appreciation for all things cheese).  It’s got all the elements that a song needs to be inducted into the All Cheese Hall of Fame:  a decent melody, melodramatic lyrics, a goofy play on words, over the top sentimentality, and a great ironic ending lyric.  Its really the perfectly bad song.  Pay close attention to those lyrics.  Its as if the songwriter was thinking about what to write while he was out doing some shopping and just kind of filled in the blanks with what he happened to be doing at the time.  “I stole behind her in the frozen foods”, “we took her groceries to the checkout stand, the food was totalled up and bagged”, these are unbelievable lyrics on so many levels.  And isn’t it obvious that the two people in this song are alcoholics?  They’ve been to the grocery store, so you’ve got to figure its sometime during the day, but they couldn’t find an open bar, so it must be in the morning.  So, they grab themselves a six pack and chug it while sitting in the car…at 10 AM.  Hmmmm.

I’ve added these three songs to the blue Box in the left hand sidebar so feel free to listen, if you dare.  Anybody else have a particularly loathed Christmas song?

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9 thoughts on “Yule Be Sorry

  1. Rebecca

    Wow, thos are terrible. Classic use of the synthesizer…I agree that it is total 80s. Reminds me of terrible hairdos and even worse clothes!

  2. Anna

    i also do not lik the mcartney song, especially when my husband tells me he had to do a christmas dance to that song when he was in fifth grade

  3. Rebecca – Thankfully I was only a little kid during most of the 80’s, so I have an excuse for my ridiculous attire. My mom made me wear it!

    J Crew – If I were Paul I’d use my Beatle money to have that song stricken from the record.

    Jeff – Yes, it’s haunted me for years.

    Anna – Now that’s a home movie i would pay to see.

  4. Pingback: RIP Dan Fogelberg « Life of Ando

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