Less than four weeks until fatherhood. I’ve been asked on more than one occasion if I’m nervous or scared yet, and for the most part I think I’m doing OK. A couple of times a week I’ll have very brief moments of panic. Some future crisis or situation will flash before my eyes and for about half a second my mind screams, “WHAT THE HECK DO I DO?!” Then I’ll remember that they don’t come out as teenagers and everything will be fine. However, I think I have been a little more nervous since we found out we’re having a girl.
Yes, a girl. Lily, not Max. From the start of the pregnancy Jen and I almost always referred to the baby as “he.” Women would come up to Jen, step back and size her up, and declare she was having a boy. Though we would like to eventually end up with a boy and a girl, I think we were both at least half-hoping, and maybe even expecting, to have a boy first. Its good for a girl to have an older brother and being the last male Bauer of my family line capable of progeny, having a boy first certainly would have taken the pressure of caring on the family name off.
So, I was ready for a boy. I know boys. I know what they like, what they don’t, how they think, or more accurately, that they rarely think at all. I know that stuff. Girls, not so much. I mean, I didn’t even have a girlfriend until I was 21–not counting kindergarten when the principles daughter and I were an item–so I’m really behind the eight-ball. So I think I’m a little less confident than I was. I’m not at all disappointed, though it took some doing to convince Jen of that, its just going to take a little extra work to figure out this whole parenting thing.
But honestly, I can’t wait for it. I spent most of the weekend painting the room and the realization that in a few weeks another human person, a tiny, helpless human person that I’m responsible for, will be sleeping there kind of became real. I don’t know, maybe it was the fumes. Yeah, there are those panicky flashes, but there are far more thoughts and feelings of anticipation and excitement. Can’t wait.