My Wife Is Trying To Kill Me

Last week Jen made a purchase that is sure to shorten my lifespan.  Its not the sort of thing that will take you out in an instant, but will slowly and surely nibble away at your longevity, one piece at a time.  She bought a bag of 50 precooked bacon slices.  Now every time I go to the fridge, sometimes not even looking for something to eat, just a cool beverage, I come face to face with temptation.  The main thing keeping me from consuming heart stopping amounts of bacon on a regular basis is the effort it takes to make it.  The raw bacon is slimy and kind of gross to touch, you’ve gotta fire up the stove, there’s grease everywhere that has to be cleaned up; its no coincidence that the effort to prepare it is commensurate with the damage it does to your insides.  Otherwise, we’d all be dead.

But this new developement in bacon presentation is very alarming.  It takes the built in safety feature completely out of the equation.  Most times I don’t even take the time to heat it up in the microwave.  Yes, I eat cold bacon, sue me. 

So, its a constant battle.  On the one hand, there’s the prospect of clogged arteries, love handles, and heart disease.  But on the other hand, there’s delicious, delicisou bacon.  It’s a losing battle really.

My advice to you:  avoid at all costs.  You can’t beat bacon.  You just can’t.  You don’t need to feel bad about it, its just one of those facts of life.  So the only course to take, is to just walk on by you local grocer’s salted pork product aisle.  It’s either that or bacon for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and every thing in between.  Man, what a way to go.


9 thoughts on “My Wife Is Trying To Kill Me

  1. Sarah

    I love bacon. Sometimes I cook a whole package just to keep it in the fridge. Yummy!!! I had a snack the other day of apple juice, peppermint patties and bacon. It was great but Chris thought I was nuts. Bacon really goes with everything if you want it bad enough. Fun post.

    Not a fan of apple juice, but I do enjoy peppermint patties and (obviously) bacon. But the two together? I might be with Chris on that one.

  2. Ah Bacon! Why else are pigs so smelly and ugly?

    It’s a sign that they were created to be slaughtered and eaten. If pigs could cook themselves I believe that they would have to agree, “Golly Gee! We ARE tasty!”

    This is undeniable.

  3. Jennylu

    FYI, Catie is entering a poem about bacon in the fair. Apparently you and Kludge are not the only one’s who find it inspirational. :)

  4. Rebecca

    I enjoy bacon, but not to the degree that Andy and Kludge do. The best way to have bacon is with syrup!!! The salt and sweet together makes a GREAT combination. :)

  5. Pingback: Carl’s Jr. Is Trying To Kill Me « Life of Ando

  6. Pigs are the dirtiest animals who eat thier own shit same like the people that love Pig, when someone calls you a Pig next time ” Know that they are calling you tasty ok :-) ” Be happy Pig

  7. alphonse

    You are a [big fat] idiot ando. Go die in a fire please?

    Will do friend. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time. Vaya con dios.

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