(Ad)dressing Salad

saladLet’s be honest.  The only reason for the existence of salad is as an excuse to eat salad dressing.  Think about it.  Have you ever eaten a bowl of lettuce and radish slices without some creamy, cheesy, oily, tangy substance slathered all over it?  On purpose?  Of course not, why would you?  The thought has probably never even crossed your mind.  But admit it, on a late night snack run to the fridge you’ve stood there in the soft glow of that single bulb, in only your bathrobe and slippers, taken a quick glance around and considered sucking some Hidden Valley Ranch straight from the bottle.  Its OK to admit it.

How else can you explain man’s constant urge to find new and exotic ways in which to use salad dressing?  It is now common place to find Blue Cheese alongside buffalo wings, or Italian dressing to be used as a chicken marinade.  And that secret sauce on your burger?  C’mon, we all know that’s Thousand Island.  Don’t even get me started on Ranch.  If it can be dipped, it will be dipped into Ranch dressing.  French frys, onion rings, carrot sticks, Snicker bars, and chicken in all its unnatrual forms; nuggest, fingers, and tenders.

We all know its true, but why do we hide from it?  Why does my wife look at me cockeyed when I scrape my fork across my empty dinner plate, trying to collect the last tiny puddles of dressing?  Would she rather I lick the plate clean or waste those last precious droplets?  And by the way, salad dressing ain’t exactly cheap and in THIS ECONOMY you need to get the most for your dollar.

(Quick aside, my new pet peeve is when people end every negative thought with “in this economy.”  Things like, “Wow, its so hard to find a place to park downtown, in this economy.”  Man, that really bugs me.)

This is not to say that salad dressing cannot be abused.  I have a friend who has put Blue Cheese on a toasted bagel and Creamy Caesar on a burrito.  That’s just wrong.

Whether you’re a Ken’s Steakhouse man, a Wish-Bone enthusiast, or just like regular old Kraft, don’t be ashamed.  We can all put on airs when we go to the fancy restaruants, (“Oh, just a little spritz of olive oil for me, or maybe a light vinigerette if you have it.”) but deep down we know if we were true to ourselves we’d say, “Hold the lettuce and bring me a bowl of croutons drenched in Honey Mustard!”

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9 thoughts on “(Ad)dressing Salad

  1. Ranch IS the new ketchup. I have zero trouble admitting that I have squirted out ranch dressing onto my finger, when no salad makings were in my fridge, let alone in a bowl.

    Hidden Valley all the way!

  2. Rebecca

    I was nodding in agreement about Ranch until I read snickers bar. How can you ruin chocolate? I have to say if you do weight watchers, they ruin your view of dressing. It is so bad for you. I’ve resorted to the spray dressings, the ranch one isn’t all that bad, but it doesn’t come close to the original. :)

  3. Sarah

    I never really thought that much about lettuce and salad dressing that way-But you are so right. The whole reason any of us will actually eat salad is for the dressing. I absolutely love homemade buttermilk ranch dressing. It is amazing!!

  4. I appreciate and admire your humor—now I know where to go when I need a chuckle.

    AND–if you’re going to have dressing, skip the fake stuff (all that hydrogenated oil and high fructose corn syrup and sodium–blech) Go for the real deal: olive oil, vinegar, real bleu cheese, real dill, heavy cream (for the ranch style)–get the good stuff and enjoy it. Moderate somewhere else. Life is too short to consume fake salad dressing!

    (and, by the way, I am a lifetimer in Weight Watchers!)

  5. Justin

    Sorry Bauer, but I have to disagree with you on this one. “Dry” salad isn’t all that bad tasting. As a matter of fact, for the first 25 years of my life, that’s how I ate it. The trick is to have a variety of veggies in there to maximize flavor. I do enjoy Italian dressing or some oil and vinegar, but do I need it to really make a salad delicious, no.

    …and yes, that friend is pretty nasty with his blue cheese dressing. …in an Uncle Ben’s teriyaki bowl?!!!

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