This month my friend/uncle Jeff has been counting down the top 25 Christmas songs on his blog, You Know What I Mean? For a man his age, his selections have been pretty, to use a phrase from his era, “boss.” No real disagreements from me, and I consider myself something of a Christmas music connoisseur. From the sublime to the classic to the absurd, if it’s yuletide I’m on board.
Between his countdown and the ubiquitous sounds of the season on every car stereo, department store PA system, and television screen, I have become inspired to dust off the ol’ blog and do a countdown of my own.
However, while he is counting down the 25 best Christmas songs, I will be offering
my opinion irrefutable evidence as to the worst Christmas songs. These will all be pretty well known atrocities that make us all want to jerk the car into the nearest bottomless ravine when they come on the radio. Fortunately, I doubt I can come up with 25.
Let us begin.
While this countdown will be in no particular order (which makes it more of just a list, I guess), this first abomination should be at or near the top of any worst list. Better yet, all copies should be at the bottom of Mariana Trench where the only ones to be audibly assaulted are invertebrates and really ugly looking fish. Nobody likes them anyway.
The song, Last Christmas by Wham!, is without a doubt one of the worst recordings in human history, Christmas or otherwise. I dig 80’s pop as much as anybody, but this 4 minutes and 38 seconds of putrid dog vomit takes all of 80’s music’s worst qualities, most notably George Michael, into a holiday horror show. Whiny, dull, and waaaaay too long, if it wasn’t for every easy listening radio stations obsession with playing it every 15 minutes it would not seem like a Christmas song at all.
The thing is, the song itself isn’t actually bad. I’ve heard a number of covers over the years that are solid. The Jimmy Eat World version is especially top notch. Their version has an upbeat, sort of dreamy modern nostalgia feel to it. Like it should be played over a video montage of your Christmas morning. The original Wham! version has the feel of sadly drinking a bottle of gin alone on your way to jumping off a bridge on Christmas Eve. Happy holidays!
You’ve all heard it way too many times, but here it is again if you’ve somehow forgotten how truly terrible it is. Enjoy?